A Big Question: How do I Help Her?

Look, I won’t lie. I refuse to. Part of the reason I write about domestic violence is because there are too many questions which seem unanswered. Which only perpetuates ignorance, and ignorance breeds fear. Which leads to blame. And since survivors usually don’t want to talk about their experiences and abusers can’t tell the fucking truth, well, we’re all left with questions and unintentional ignorance. And victims are blamed because they aren’t screaming louder than the sociopath who hurt them. So consider this my first attempt with one of the biggest questions I’m often asked:

If there was anything my friends and family could have done to ‘save’ me from my abuser.

More often than not, I’m asked by someone who is fearful for a friend. Last week I was asked this very question by someone I talk to often about someone I care for very deeply (although we haven’t spoken in many years). My answer? People often push victims further into their relationships when they’re trying to help. Sometimes hard answers are necessary, even if we do not understand or agree with them. It’s unlikely this will be easy for you or them. Ask yourself what is most important: ease or effectiveness.

The answers to this question are brought to you Safe Connections, a non-profit organization in St. Louis, Missouri. They changed my life with their commitment to helping abuse survivors. And they can help anyone of you reading this. Please go HERE to read their educated, professional response.

Until next time,



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