Just Close Your Eyes

“I’ll support whatever decision you make, Fina, ” reverberates through my head. A seemingly supportive statement has taken hold of every thought. I need to make a decision. You need to make a decision, Fina.

I could still press charges if I wanted. Did you know that you have three years (in Missouri) to press charges after leaving a relationship filled with violence? Because I didn’t, but now that I do, well, it’s something that I can’t quiet in my head.  I’m constantly fighting battles for myself and I’m not sleeping near enough. With all of that said, the overarching question, the one I can control and must answer by July is, “Is the risk of being seen worth the gain?”

For quite some time I feared that his children would be taken away, or that I would go bankrupt trying to fight this battle. When the bruises were fresh, I feared a million different things. But as the last two years have unfolded, as I’ve gained strength and clarity through counseling, and as it doesn’t feel so scary to face him or my past, the fiery, strong piece inside of my heart is saying, “It’s time, Fina. Stand up and show the world exactly who you are.”  The fears of my past are so much smaller now, and because they are I want to do the things I couldn’t before.

His words still live inside of me. I’m still fighting the battle, even though he’s not here. Would it be different if I purposely intertwined our lives again? Would I suffer more? less? Would the suffering go away? Would the “Fina, you shouldn’t leave the house looking like that,” and the “You’re worthless without someone else around to fix your problems,” go away , too? Maybe the only way to silence these thoughts is by stripping them of their power. After all, his behavior has been my biggest problem, and the war inside of my head keeps raging on because I haven’t smothered the fire.

5 months and then my opportunity is gone. I’ll never be able to change my mind then, and it’s all weighing heavy on my head and heart. When things are nearing an end, when opportunities become missed ones, when time dictates for you: it’s only in these times that we see how important the other side was. I have lived with enough regrets that I can’t allow this to be one of them.

Abusers should be known and held accountable for their actions, and if that means that I have to be labeled as a ‘victim’ or ‘plaintiff,’ a ‘weak’ woman or ‘uneducated,’ or ‘impoverished,’ then maybe it’s time to break down each stereotype, because I’m none of those things. And I think he knows that, which is why he couldn’t let me go for so long: I didn’t let him win.

But his idea of winning and mine are separate. He thinks he’s lost because I’m not there to be his toy anymore, and I think I’ve lost because I haven’t stood up to him. He hasn’t been held responsible for his actions, so I’m back in my head again, knowing that the questions I’m asking are critical to my future.

I have 5 months before the door is closed forever. How many women look back and wish they would’ve done more? How many regret stepping forward? How much of their past should dictate my future?

Is the risk worth the gain?

I think I’m nearing an answer. And I think that answer is yes.


2 thoughts on “Just Close Your Eyes

  1. It is not an easy decision. But, leaving the relationship wasn’t either, right? You did that. You are better for it.
    I think you probably already know the answer. Either way, it won’t be easy — you want to ask yourself, “will I regret NOT pressing charges?”
    I don’t have the answer but hope you make the choice that helps put your mind at peace. Good luck.

  2. Finding our way through these experiences is freeing… because as we work our way through we realize that we have choices and the opportunity to choose again…. The decision to press charges or not is your decision, and it sounds like it is currently consuming your thoughts.

    Focus on your thoughts, reread what you’ve written…It contains so many clues to help you and support you. When you can let go of the story, and heal your own mind what others think of you won’t matter as much. What ever you decide to do…. remember that healing the most important relationship of your life is the one you will always have with yourself…. Everything else could just be a distraction….. Remember those words… I’ll support you in whatever decision you make…. Find the time to speak those words to your own inner child. Let her know that you believe her and will support her, because when you begin to heal and connect with yourself there is nothing you really need to do…and things in your life will have a way of transforming themselves…
    In all ways with Love for you and Never against anyone is where I find the decisions that serve me, and are always to my highest good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s