In Awe


I’m not adding gasoline to fires anymore. Some things are left better untouched, ignored…abandoned. Difficulty arises when thoughts become words that, eventually, lead to beliefs of apathy. The truth is, it’s not apathy that’s causing me to move away. In fact, on the flip-side, that’s what held me frozen in place for so long.

I’m not apathetic toward the people from my past; I’m just ready to move forward. That’s not saying I don’t care. I’m just realizing that I should care about and for myself far more than I’ve ever allowed. When you give so much, you have nothing left for yourself.

I’m done giving. And I’m going to be restocking my figurative love/helping/healing tank with things that only I will be able to use.

Until you’ve proven that you deserve something, I’m not providing it. Unless you’re willing to show me that you’re worthy of my gift, your words will mean nothing. It’s now going to be a trade-off. If I’m not strongly benefiting from our interactions, I don’t have time for your shit anymore.

People hurt every day. We all struggle with weight loss, loss of love, hair loss, loss of income, and loss of our inner voices, our self-expression, and our dignity. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll gain something from all of those things. You’ll become stronger. And I have now. So I won’t allow those losses to make me feel like I don’t deserve the gains.

My life is really fucking amazing right now. There is no better way to say it.

It’s like I’m standing in front of a mirror, staring at the same face I’ve seen for my entire life, but amazed by how much growth has happened in the last several months. I’m in awe of myself, really.

No man, no stress, and no uncertainty is going to take this away from me. Fina is back friends. And she’s ready to send shock waves through the hearts and minds of anyone who wants to steal this away from me. This is your warning. All of you.

 

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3 thoughts on “In Awe

  1. This is where I am at right now. Your words described my feelings inside. This is how I feel. Well – kind of. I’m getting there. But it feels amazing. I freaking love you Fina. I’ve missed this.. I really have.

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