Mad World


It doesn’t really matter how many times we tell ourselves we’re better. If we have to keep saying it, there are still unidentified shattered pieces.

When does it become okay to live with them?
When can you leave them there, knowing that no definition of your life was written because they exist?

Everyone deals with them. The night you told your boyfriend that you wanted a break, thinking it would help both of you, but he, taking matters into his own hands, took a break from reality with a loaded shotgun. The time you got that phone call that your sister was in an accident that would change her life forever. A 20 year old, your best friend, telling you she was pregnant, and moving home from her life at school, only to find out that her boyfriend-turned-fiance was unfaithful. Having a baby scared him, he said. But, apparently, not as much as being a single father.

Nobody is to blame in these situations. We all play our own part. We all grow and learn and heal and love. We all cry and scream and fight for whatever seems worth it at the time. Then, we look back and say, “At the time, I thought it was all that mattered.”

My question: What is worth it all the time?

Is there something that keeps us moving forward when we want to slink off into the darkness of the corner? What held my head up when I was being told that I was worthless? What helped me breathe when I knew that if I was any louder, he’d find me?

My answer: Love.

For your pet. For a friend. Shared with a sibling. A parent. A husband and wife. A student. A child. All of it. Maybe only one at a time. An enemy. A bully. An ex-boyfriend. The twerpy neighborhood kid. All of them.

Yourself.

Because you can’t love others if you can’t see why the love you’re willing to share is worth it to them or why you should feel proud to be yourself.

And if you’re standing on the sidelines, trying to avoid all of those shattered pieces you left behind, the rest of the journey is starting without you. And that road doesn’t have debris to fight…yet.

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3 thoughts on “Mad World

  1. You nailed it. Sometimes that’s all that hauls me through, knowing that I love people and animals and they love me, too. I wrote last week about getting through after my brother died, and the thing that got me through more than anything else was the love from Xander and friends and family, as well as keeping Nyx with me as much as possible, even when we went to visit family. It was a little awkward to have 125 pounds of dog along, but I needed her. I needed to know that she was there and that Xander was there, that if I had to fall apart it would be okay, that those two, at least, would be there to catch my tears and love me as much as I love them.

    I’m rambling again. Sorry! You’re right, though. That’s all I’m really trying to say.

    *hugs*

  2. That’s exactly right. I think one of the main reasons I turned out as “normal” has I have after my crazy and messed up childhood is that I always knew my parents loved me. As crazy and messed up as they were, they never let me forget how much, and I was able to lean on that.

    So don’t forget how much you are loved. Never forget it.

  3. Great post! I think that sometimes when we are in the thick of a struggle, we don’t even realize what keeps us going. It can sometimes be a simple as fight or flight and the survival instinct to move away from the situation. For me, that was the case after my husband died. It hasnt been until recently when I was far enough away, and had enough perspective on things, that I could really start to look closely at what happened. Looking back, I see how I coped by leaning on loving friends and family, diving into work, buying clothes, drinking TONS of Starbucks, etc. Though at the time, I don’t think I could have stated for sure how I was coping. I just did. Because I had to. Having said that, most of the ways I coped were simple distractions. As you said, were it not for the love and support from those who really matter, I dont think I’d ever have moved far enough away from the trauma emotionally to learn from it.

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