I baked this weekend. I mean I really baked. I didn’t purchase a mix or anything pre-made. Bella didn’t believe it when she tasted my made-from-scratch walnut and chocolate chip cookies today. I had to call in reinforcements for verification. It’s not like me to put that much effort into cooking. I’ve always hated the idea of being bad at anything, so if I don’t already know that I’ll succeed, you’ll be hard-pressed to get me to try something new. I like to be good at everything I do. Unfortunately, my pride holds me back from new adventures. So, for my step-mom’s birthday, I sucked it up and baked until the kitchen was so hot I was sweating.
I made 5 dozen cookies and, at the end of the evening, about 1.5 remained. The family gave me two-thumbs up. However, through their compliments, I questioned whether they were only saying those things to get me to continue trying. I doubted their sincerity. But the truth is, I wasn’t so much doubting them as I was doubting myself. Most of the time I’ll accept the compliments, but I don’t believe that I’ve done enough, so I’ll smile and compromise my own feelings for someone else’s. The difficulty is finding a balance between self-interest and compromise. I’m having a hard time giving my opinion enough weight and, while I know why I always doubt myself, sometimes it’s still excessive.
But today I’ve decided that I’m going to try one new thing a weekend. It doesn’t have to be anything exciting…I just want it to be something that I’ve never done. I’ve chosen 20 things, hoping that I can finish them by the year’s end, if I commit to doing one every week (with a few weeks thrown in as a safety net).
Here they are:
1 – Make a cheesecake. Any cheesecake.
2 – Play tag football.
3 – Listen to an entire screamo album.
4 – Go to a movie by myself. (This may be my last week, as I really struggle with the idea of being seen in public at a place where most people are either in couples or groups.)
5 – Wax my own eyebrows.
6 – Go a full day without using a profanity.
7 – Plant flowers for someone.
8 – Write a song.
9 – Teach Huckleberry a silly dog trick.
10 – Run a 5k.
11 – Learn to braid my own hair (my whole head, not half).
12 – Shoot a shotgun.
13 – Buy a baby shower gift for a little girl! (Ellen is kindly providing me this opportunity.)
14 – Buy myself a dress for no other reason than to have it.
15 – Rock a bikini for an entire outing, without getting sunburned.
16 – Purchase a camera.
17 – Throw a dinner party.
18 – Search for and find the perfect wine.
19 – Watch Casablanca.
20 – Write a manuscript.
Ordinary, every day things that I’ve missed out on are no longer going to be a part of my life. I have no idea how long I’ll be on this Earth, my fear of failing is no longer going to create regrets.