It’s been a long road getting here. And, to be honest, I’m feeling a bit lighter today. There are no more secrets. Most of the people I was hiding this from originally, are now privy to reading. It’s scary, but it’s also liberating. There are no reasons to smile through questions anymore. If you’re seeking answers, they are all written here. Take a minute to dig around.
This December felt the length of 15. I was hiding, pushing, prodding, prodded, and defiant. It’s over. Now, I just want to get it all out. Let it all go. But the secrets kept from others around me didn’t allow for that freedom. So I’m airing them tonight. This might not be my best literary piece, but it’s time to do some growing up. And that’s worth more to me than accolades for writing a great fucking paragraph.
Speculation. It’s what this blog is. It’s my side of the story. My perspective. My chance to release, regroup, and grow. I refuse to be ashamed of that. Yes, there are things that are left out. But I hardly believe that I’ve portrayed myself as a saint (except in these posts). I guess what it really boils down to, is that I won’t apologize for any of it.
There are people who act as if I’ve hurt them by saying things. They chose to lie to friends and say they didn’t know about this, even though they really did. And the bottom line is that it’s their fear that keeps them dishonest, not my words.
I won’t own their mistakes. I’ve acknowledged enough of my own. Perhaps it’s easier to tack blame on me, since I’ve opened myself up to criticism. And, if you want to blame me because you’re not big enough to acknowledge your own mistakes, then I guess it’s probably okay with me. I’m strong enough to take the heat for both of us. But just so you know, I think it’s cowardice. And that’s as bad as dishonesty. After today you’re no longer my concern. I hope your choices made you happier. They certainly taught me something. And I like learning. So thank you for doing yourself a disservice. You really helped me shed some light on some of the bullshit. Your bullshit. Not mine.
A few weeks ago, via my Facebook page, I asked if I should allow James to write a post. It was right after he found out about my little place in the cyber universe. Most of you emphatically said no. And, because of that, I dropped the idea. However, after another bout with my aggression, he asked if he could still have the opportunity to air his laundry. And I said yes. But before your face starts turning red and you press the ‘comment’ button, hear me out:
I let David say what he wanted. And I did that because I said some nasty things about his behavior while we were together. It was only fair that he could say what he wanted. While David never finished his posts, reading his thoughts helped me own what happened between us, even more than I already had.
James was thrown into this without me asking his permission. And he’s had to deal with seeing my side of the story without being able to defend himself. His actions and mine aren’t pretty. But we’re both equally to blame for allowing this shit to happen. And I think it’s only fair that maybe, for the sake of some much-needed closure, I allow him to say what he needs to say.
What it boils down to is this:
We’ve both done shitty things to the other person involved. I’m owning that. But reading his thoughts will only solidify my resolve to move forward. When it’s done, it’s done. This will be the end of it all. And I so badly want that to happen.
One character flaw I’m seeing in myself recently, is that when I’m upset about something but can’t seem to let go of it, I make the problem worse. I’d rather the other person pull the plug than look back and say, “I shouldn’t have walked.” It’s stupid. But at least I can recognize that now. It’s the reason I had my insult episode with James. I wanted him to say, “It’s over, Fina,” because then it’s not my fault.
It’s ugly. It’s immature. I’m not proud.
I’m asking you, as friends, to give him a chance. Not because I think he’s going to steal your heart or change your mind. I want to give him a chance because I think the questions I have will be answered. And that’s all I really need. This is my place to think and heal. That’s exactly what will happen. It’s over, Fina.
Plus, as I’ve said many, many times before, James and I are randomly thrown into situations where we will have to be in the same room. I’d rather be able to laugh about the ridiculousness that once was ‘us’ (no, not in a relationship kind of way) and move back to being us. Separate. Divisible. Whole.
I’m sick of wearing nice clothing to drag myself through dirt.
I want this to be over. I want to hear what he has to say. But my words about him are done. It’s over, Fina. And once this hits your computer screen, it will be the last time you hear me bitch or moan about this situation.
It ends tonight.