48. Loving You Later


My windshield was covered in condensation. Moisture blanketed my car and hung on the glass until the temperatures dropped enough to make the water immobile. When I reached my car this morning, I had to use a little elbow grease (and an ice-scraper) to ensure acceptable visibility.The exterior frost dissipated quickly. The interior layer clung to the glass longer.

Taking off my sweater, I gently pressed the gray wool to my windshield and removed the ice. With each circle, streak marks followed my hand like contrails. For a moment I remembered what it was like to find moments like that brilliant. To accept them for their beauty, instead of wishing them away. Yes, it’s nice when my heater warms my fingertips, but it’s also nice to notice the artistry in every-day moments that go overlooked. I’m going to try to see those more this year. I made that promise to myself this morning.

I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw a vacant parking lot, so I started backing away from my car’s sleep spot and started my day. As I looked forward, my lips were stolen by a crooked grin. Those frosty circles created artwork on my windshield. A little rose, perfectly placed about an inch above my eye-line. I haven’t removed it yet. It renewed the romanticism inside of me.

I drove about 150 miles today with the symbolic little flower floating in front of me and every destination.

I’m moving forward and abandoning the memories of sadness I carried in the last decade. I need to love myself now so I’ll be able to take those scraps of paper, those road maps I’ve already created, and piece them together to see who I let in…later.

Step 1: Create a list of attributes for my ‘perfect man’.

1) Communication:

I need it. Not the “I’ll be back tomorrow when I’ve cooled down” kind, but the “Baby, I’m mad as hell at you, but I’m sticking around to tell you about it, because when this conversation is over, I want it to be just that…over,” kind. Not the “I’m mad and zoning out” kind or the “I’ll share just enough to survive this moment” kind.

Give me the heartbreaking, painfully honest, absolutely exhausting talks. Because if we can get through moments like that, there’s no reason we can’t succeed. I don’t shut down. I can’t be with a man who does.

2) Appearance:

You’re blond, with great teeth and an even better smile. Give me an ‘imperfection’ around your mouth. A dimple or two, in your cheeks…or maybe a scar delicately placed on your upper lip (Hello, Dermot Mulroney). Either way, something that makes you look different from every other boy on the block. Something quirky. And hot.

Dress nicely. I don’t have to love every button-down or graphic t-shirt you wear, but if there are holes, dirt smears, or Skoal impressions on any article of clothing you’re wearing, we have a problem.

And while I realize I may just have described the male version of myself, I think we all look for partners that have similar attributes. Genetics and attraction are funny things.

3) Passion:

If you’re not passionate about something, you’re going to bore me. Whether it’s a dog, or your job, or your charity work in El Salvadore…just be passionate. I will run when you show me apathy.

But the line is tricky. If you’re a workaholic and don’t spend any time at home, that’s a deal-breaker too.

…and I’m stuck.

Literally, I have no clue what else I want in a man. So, ladies and gentlemen…readers, friends, confidants, Twitter followers, newbies…every one of…YOU…I need your help.

Give me a piece of your brain. Tell me what I need.

You’ve been married, you’ve been divorced, you’ve been cheated on, you’ve cheated. You get the idea. Now get this one:

Some of you silently read my blog and never comment. I’m asking you, begging even, to help me come up with my ‘boyfriend bucketlist’…because until I have a solid foundation of what I’m looking for, I’m not going to look.

I’ll update my list sporadically in different posts. You’ll see the growth, the development, of my perfect man-mate. And we’ll also see if the laws of attraction work.

Press comment. Give me a suggestion. Now, please…so I can love him later.

To my unnamed, unknown man:

This is what you’ll get. I just need to meet you.

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24 thoughts on “48. Loving You Later

  1. 1) Communication: I think I am the best communicator. Say it on the face is what I like

    2) Appearance: Tall, dark and not blonde 😦 . I am in love with my clothes, Sun Glasses, Jackets, Shoes. I like to be good.

    3) Passion: I am very passionate about life.

    2/3 Bad dont fit the bill isnt it 😦

  2. What does he do for a living? Do you care? Is he home every night? Does he want to get married and/or have kids some day? Is he a slob? A neat-freak? What does he drive? DOES he drive? Does he drink or smoke or drug? Is he smart? How smart? Does your family have to like him? How does he make you feel? What can he do that is most important to make you feel like the princess you deserve? Think about it. Map it out. Forget looks. Trust me.

  3. Fina, I am all pepper, no salt yet.

    Answers to Beck’s questions:
    1. I do a lot for a living can do a lot for a living.
    2. Well you should care. Its important.
    3. Yes I do want to…..
    4. Slob, Yes, no, may be, may not be
    5. Neat-Freak yes, but not too much
    6. I drive a car, but love bikes my favorite.
    7 Yes see point above.
    8. I smoke, nothing else
    9. Yes I am smart (you people say so)
    10. Very smart, Tall, dark, handsome, brainy, chivalrous, have laods of manners.
    11. Well Family is important… more important than anyone else.
    12. I might make you feel like a princess, queen, or probably just a loved lady.
    13. Ask and it will be done* (*whatever I can do)
    14. I am born om earth and want live in some cold place. (Is it enough or my address is needed)

    *Phew* That were some questions

    Just spicing up your blog because I adore and love you

  4. I’m not gonna lie, honey, I think this is a pretty weird blog post by you. I thought you weren’t going to worry about this stuff in 2011? New Fina is supposed to be unconcerned about men and not worried about them, instead focusing on herself and being empowered.

    You should just let the men come to you, and filter them out according to what you want at that time. You don’t need to have a check list or a bucket list or a hit list or any of that. Take it case-by-case. Who knows, maybe your dream man has brown hair? 😉

    • We’ll have to agree to disagree on my reasoning for creating this list.

      I am focusing on myself, but in order to do that, I have to recognize what I want and/or like in a man. Not because I’m out looking for him, but because if he comes along I don’t want to miss out.

      With that said, I’m a believer that perception drives reality.I like the law of attraction. By creating an image of the guy in my brain, I’m believing that he’ll show up eventually and, when he does, I’ll know.

      In no way am I waiting for/wanting a guy right now. I’m all about me.

      I’ve already written my personal bucket list.
      This is all prep work. No reason to rush. I’m just looking for clarity.

      Love you, sir. Thanks for looking out for me!

  5. 🙂 Ah, my Fina – I just have to say this:

    When the perfect man for you comes along, he is going to blow your mind about how many of these criteria he DOESN’T fit.

    You need surprise and extraordinary. Someone who intrigues you because you haven’t experienced him yet. Someone who introduces you to facets of a man that you couldn’t have anticipated. Someone who makes you want to throw away your list because your list only limits him.

    I am so excited for you…

    ;)t

    • I love when you come by. You give me such hope for life with your words and encouragement.

      I know my ‘dream’ man will probably make a list look silly, but I think this will help weed out some of the gentlemen that I need to avoid. I.e. If they aren’t passionate about work…or they can’t talk through a problem…it’s not going to work. I know that.

      I’m sure Mr. Perfect and I will laugh about this post later. Especially when we have kids with black hair. 😉

  6. In the same vein as some of the other comments; If you think about it, life has a way of serving up the unexpected. Don’t waste too much energy on that list.

  7. I like your list. There is nothing wrong and so many things right with putting your thoughts down on paper. (cyber paper included). It allows our right and left brain to meet and talk. Also it may give you clarity on why you made the choices in men that has caused you pain in your past.
    I am proud of you for not only making your list but posting it as well.

  8. I think it is an interesting exercise, but by the time the list is complete, it may be frustrating that no one qualifies. I have a feeling that the mind will not be able to define the man ahead of time. I believe the heart will know the man when he is here. The heart will use past lessons to test the man – The mind should not be involved in that. If the heart is happy, the mind will not fail to be happy.

  9. You’re forgetting THE MOST IMPORTANT thing on the list… Perhaps it goes without saying, but dreamlover has to have an awesome sense of humor! Witty banter, sarcasm and the occasional ridiculous remark to crack you up- keeps the abs tight and the soul warm.

  10. I will just latch on to Becky with this one. She said what I wanted to. You have to look inside because it makes the outside more beautiful anyway. Hang on to the teeth thing though! Hygiene is soooo important. 🙂

    2011 is going to be rockin for you. Love all the mixed responses you got here… love how you stir the pot, meow.

  11. I like MOST of your list. I think setting expectations is great. The whole looks thing? It’ll change Fina! Joshua (my boyfriend) is NOT my type but he is so sexy! Like.. screw the looks. You think you want something and then poof you meet a man and at first your like ummmm.. can we say no? But then he’ll say something.. romantic or funny or kind and all the sudden your swept up and looking at him 100% different and he’s suddenly BEAUTIFUL. So screw the looks as far as your list goes.. don’t make that a part of your checklist.

    Is he honest? Trustworthy? Loyal? Is he good to his mom? Is family important to him? Do YOU like his family? Does his family like you? Does your family like him? Is any of that important to you? Does he want babies? Does he want marriage? Does he pick up after himself? Does he help with chores? Will he change a diaper? What are his hobbies? Are they the same as yours or different? Does he put you in your place when needed or is he more passive? Is he romantic or funny or more subtle?

    Is he going to be the one your standing next to with a cane and telling your grandchildren how he knew you were the one as soon as he saw your dimples?

    Does he make your heart race? Does he give you butterflies and weak knees?

    Fina you are amazing and you’ll find your one some day. I for sure know it.

  12. Ok, Sarafina,

    I very much agree with Becky here, but theescortlover also makes a good point.

    It is good to know what you want, but people are by our very nature imperfect. looking for the perfect anything is a potential path to more heartbreak and confusion. Just saying.
    You can’t live your life according to some preconceived list. You have stay open to surprises. The people that will reach you will more than likely not fit your bucket list and will catch you completely off guard.

    Work on your dreams and your heart and the rest will follow on your terms.

    But here’s the bottom line (the real questions to ask yourself about your so called perfect man) — do they make you happy? do they support your dreams? have your back? care about your heart? see value in what you care about, but also are they really interested about what makes you tick? are they passionate about life or just living to survive? Are they honest about who they are or hiding behind fear and locked in the past?

    Happiness is everything. We forget it and get caught in unhappy relationships that ultimately don’t enrich out lives.

    I would personally rather stay single than to live like that.

    Something to think about as you continue your journey. You are on the right track. Stay strong.

    George

    • George! It’s all a big, ole experiment. In no way, shape, or form do I believe that a list will fix the problems and the title is “Loving you Later” because I’m loving me NOW!

      It’s a conversation starter and, if you’ll notice, it got the job done! 🙂

      xoxo

  13. I think it’s a good idea to have a list of things you want or an ideal guy. I’ve got one myself and I like to revaluate it every once in a while. But the important thing about the list is that it’s not going to ever fully describe the person I’ll date. However, while my list might say dark haired, I’ve dated blonds. The list isn’t an end-all, be-all of who I will date, it’s the ideal.

    I think that’s the important thing to remember about lists like these are about the ideal, the perfect. It’s like making a list for a perfect house, you almost always compromise. You find what works for you, what you love, flaws and all. I’m not going to make a list of what I want in a man by putting ‘Must have a bad habit of humming the star trek theme while cooking’ but that may become something I love. The flaws make the person, not this list.

    • Beautifully said, Judy.

      I agree wholeheartedly. This post was to get people’s brains turning and get the discussion out there. I think I managed to accomplish this. 😉

      xoxo,

      Fina

  14. I know I’m seriously late to the party, but someone who can make you laugh is incredibly important. Life gets really hard sometimes, and being able to smile even when life dumps on you helps a lot.

    Also, I’ll add my voice to the physical part – I had a type before Xander, and he doesn’t fit it. He makes me happier than I knew I could be.

    I think laying out what you want is good. My mom has a theory that if you put your needs out to the universe, what you need will find you. I’m not sure I completely agree, but putting some energy into the idea of what you want helps clarify everything.

    I’m hoping that you find someone good for you, someone that makes you happy and can handle the funky hours a teacher can keep.

  15. May I pitch in?

    I want someone for you who doesn’t play any games. Someone will be so in awe of the your wonderful spirit that he’ll believe he’s the luckiest man on earth to have you look his way. Not someone who feels entitled to your adoration just because he wants it. Those are boys, not men. In short, I want someone who knows exactly what a gift a woman’s heart — your heart — is and is damned appreciative of it.

    Run away from cowards, men who always choose the easy way out and the fastest way to self-gratification. They will never be man enough for the strong woman you’re becoming.

    I also want someone for you who keeps promises. Someone with integrity. Someone whose word is his bond.

    Lastly, I want someone for you who’ll love you even when it’s difficult. It’s easy to fall in love with you, Fina, men will not have a problem with that. But be sure to pick someone who knows that love is not just a feeling, but a decision. When you’re at your most unlovable, he’ll decide to love you anyway even while you’re pissing the hell out of him. Like you said with Ed, life gets nasty. We have bad days, months, years. You have to be able to depend on a man to stay and fight it out.

    You deserve a man like this, Fina. He’d better be worthy of you, because you, girl, will be the best thing that ever happened to him.

    • You have just made my day, my week, and my month. I love you, new friend. How lucky am I that I have so many people pushing me forward? Even on the days that seem so unfair, I think about all of the love in my life, and I’m no longer alone. Now, you’ve added to my arsenal. Thank you so much for finding me. My words can’t do your heart justice.

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