45. Dwindling Days


I didn’t go.

****
My dreams of late have been more ferocious than ever.
The landscape of my past, hopes that have been defeated, and passions untouched all intermingle to wake me in the morning with questions unanswered.

I’m beginning to become irritated with myself and my inability to overcome fear.

I wanted to go last night. If for no other reason, to remember what it’s like to be fully wanted and appreciated. Even if that appreciation and desire only stem from the fact that I’m a girl…and James likes what he gets when we are together.

“Hallelujah” has been on repeat this evening. I think my favorite version comes from a man named David Bazan. There is a link to his version at the end of the post. The emotion of the lyrics, the heart-breaking frustration, and the beautiful truth of the pain associated with loving someone while still remaining fearful, torn, and confused all combine and my heart surrenders to the idea that I may think I know what I want, but may have no control over the fruition of my dreams. And, even with clarity of desire, it doesn’t mean my heart is ready to accept what my head knows is necessary.

Three of the women who I adore the most, all told me to ‘go for it’ yesterday. Each stating that James has been put back in my life for some reason…and if it isn’t to love me fully, it’s because the universe wants to teach me something. I agree. And I’m scared.

Instead of using Fina-like bravery and jumping over hurdles, I found myself covered in blankets and overwhelmed by fear and insecurities. And I lied to James, telling him I couldn’t make it. And I laid in bed with my cell phone in my right hand, wanting to reconsider, but never surmounting my fears and pushing the call button.

I am entering a break from work (starting on Thursday) and James will have the opportunity to ask me to hang out again, since he knows that I won’t have to work for almost two weeks. But how many times will a guy ask before he thinks you’re totally avoiding him?

I had a dream about Ed last night. In it, he and Kacey got into a fight and shortly there after, he opened his arms to me. This wasn’t a sexual dream. In fact, I don’t even remember any contact with him other than the part that keeps vividly reverberating around in my head tonight.

He told me he’d always loved me and asked me if I remembered the first night we met. How magical it was that we just sort of fell into each other’s lives…neither of us looking for love…both of us thrown off by the other’s existence. He said it was fate that we found each other…and that he’d never forgotten that. He held me, his breath drawn in and then released, all while standing behind me with his arms serving as protection from the outside world. For a moment, I felt safe and loved, in a way that hasn’t happened in over five years. And we slept beside each other in his parent’s old house, the way we used to, when I’d sneak in after they’d already gone to sleep. The following morning, I told him that I’d always love him and he repeated the same words to me. I left. He made up with Kacey. It wasn’t sexual. I was safe… a display of what unconditional love might feel like from a man.

While I’m not an expert in dream interpretation, it’s not difficult to determine why he’s surfacing after I’ve just let him go…

The only man who has loved me the way that I want to be loved shows up in my dreams the night that I’m supposed to go watch movies with the man that I want to love me that way.

I’ve said all along that I know what I want, and I’ve said all along that James isn’t ready to give it to me. Now he’s resurfacing and my hopes of him becoming that man are too.  I ran away from the fear that he’ll disappoint me by avoiding our ‘date’. And my brain surrendered to all of those feelings last night, by reintroducing me to what I really want…not Ed, but a man like Ed (or at least, a man who will treat me the way he did).

I’m doing my best not to dwell on any of this. After school gets out for holiday break (Wednesday is our last day), I’m going into full-time ‘go-getter Fina’ mode.

If I can fly to another city to see what is going to happen between another man and I, I can certainly spend an evening with him over the next two weeks to see if anything has changed. My days of playing this ‘what if’ game are dwindling. At some point, I have to get the fuck over myself. Otherwise, I will become what I fear the most…a person so jaded, so hurt, so ruined by fear that they’ll never get out of their own way to find happiness.

If it hasn’t changed, I can certainly move forward. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. And this time, I mean business.

If it has…Hallelujah.

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16 thoughts on “45. Dwindling Days

  1. It is ok love. You will move forward when your ready. This is one of those posts I read and know it took the life out of you to write. Draining and emotional. My head and my heart are with you. *hugs*♥

  2. ((HUGS)) I know that this post was hard for you and I understand it.. but you’ll move on when your ready and if he was brought back into your life to teach you something maybe it’s to not give in to what HIS needs are.. maybe your saying NO because you know it’s not going to get YOU where you want to be with him. It could be great sex but you want more from him than sex.. and maybe that’s what’s being taught.

    Love ya girlie. You’re amazing.

  3. Fina, I cannot stop reading your posts! I am going to refrain from comment properly until I have a more rounded idea of everything. Suffice to say, I have a new blog crush.

  4. Sarafina,
    With each post, your writing is truly blossoming. This one was at times was painful to read. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write. Through your piercing words, I felt your heartbreak and your ache of love’s loss. I have also at times in my life been lost in fearful days.
    In fact, your post inspired me to write a poem or song about being lost in fear and letting go of it all in the process of moving on. Still, working on it:)

    All I can tell you, is when I let go of my fear and expectations (stop listening to others so called kind advice) wonderful and unexpected things happened in my life and I was at my happiest. When I stayed in that fearful place hanging on to my pain, I was stuck, lost and unhappy.

    Each of us has to find our own way out of those dark places fraught with fear and doubts.

    You are doing it every day with every post you write.
    When the time is right, you will let go of your pain and move forward. You’ve done it before. You will do it again and each time it will be with a little bit more wisdom than previously.
    Happiness, love, and even life is a journey…not a destination. How easily we forget that.

    George Pappas

  5. Fina,
    I still find your story fascinating, but for now, the heart of my comment is bravo on how you are portraying it. The growth I see in your writing is astonishing. We are all reaping the benefits of your commitment to honing the craft, as well as your continued honesty and bravery in doing it. Keep it up. I don’t always get the chance to comment, but I catch up on your posts regularly~Michele

  6. My dear Fina,

    I hope you have climbed out of bed by now – having conquered two or three of your old ghosts – and are parading about town with your dimples flashing and your heels astompin’.

    It isn’t my concern who you choose to bestow with your magnificent presence – I just want to make sure that it isn’t being hidden away. 🙂

    Merry Christmas, pretty girl.
    ;)t

    • After a long day of celebrating love and giving with family, I came home exhausted and emotionally drained (see new post, coming soon). Your comment just put new energy into my closing day.

      Thank you, love. I love you more than I can explain.

      xoxo,

      Fina

  7. I ran across your blog today. And like a great book, I couldn’t put it down. You have opened your heart, your mind and your soul to us and I for one thank you. I have learned, laughed and cussed with you along this journey with you.
    I am a songwriter by trade, thus I am blessed (or cursed) with a poet’s soul.

    Please keep writing and remember that yes, sometimes we did say that out loud.
    Robert

    • Isn’t aloud the only way to speak? 😉 I’m no longer holding back…it’s too exhausting. I’m so glad you found me. Can’t wait to talk about exciting things with you!

      Love,

      Fina

  8. Pingback: Lost In Fearful Days « Backyard Poetry

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