I didn’t go.
My dreams of late have been more ferocious than ever.
The landscape of my past, hopes that have been defeated, and passions untouched all intermingle to wake me in the morning with questions unanswered.
I’m beginning to become irritated with myself and my inability to overcome fear.
I wanted to go last night. If for no other reason, to remember what it’s like to be fully wanted and appreciated. Even if that appreciation and desire only stem from the fact that I’m a girl…and James likes what he gets when we are together.
“Hallelujah” has been on repeat this evening. I think my favorite version comes from a man named David Bazan. There is a link to his version at the end of the post. The emotion of the lyrics, the heart-breaking frustration, and the beautiful truth of the pain associated with loving someone while still remaining fearful, torn, and confused all combine and my heart surrenders to the idea that I may think I know what I want, but may have no control over the fruition of my dreams. And, even with clarity of desire, it doesn’t mean my heart is ready to accept what my head knows is necessary.
Three of the women who I adore the most, all told me to ‘go for it’ yesterday. Each stating that James has been put back in my life for some reason…and if it isn’t to love me fully, it’s because the universe wants to teach me something. I agree. And I’m scared.
Instead of using Fina-like bravery and jumping over hurdles, I found myself covered in blankets and overwhelmed by fear and insecurities. And I lied to James, telling him I couldn’t make it. And I laid in bed with my cell phone in my right hand, wanting to reconsider, but never surmounting my fears and pushing the call button.
I am entering a break from work (starting on Thursday) and James will have the opportunity to ask me to hang out again, since he knows that I won’t have to work for almost two weeks. But how many times will a guy ask before he thinks you’re totally avoiding him?
I had a dream about Ed last night. In it, he and Kacey got into a fight and shortly there after, he opened his arms to me. This wasn’t a sexual dream. In fact, I don’t even remember any contact with him other than the part that keeps vividly reverberating around in my head tonight.
He told me he’d always loved me and asked me if I remembered the first night we met. How magical it was that we just sort of fell into each other’s lives…neither of us looking for love…both of us thrown off by the other’s existence. He said it was fate that we found each other…and that he’d never forgotten that. He held me, his breath drawn in and then released, all while standing behind me with his arms serving as protection from the outside world. For a moment, I felt safe and loved, in a way that hasn’t happened in over five years. And we slept beside each other in his parent’s old house, the way we used to, when I’d sneak in after they’d already gone to sleep. The following morning, I told him that I’d always love him and he repeated the same words to me. I left. He made up with Kacey. It wasn’t sexual. I was safe… a display of what unconditional love might feel like from a man.
While I’m not an expert in dream interpretation, it’s not difficult to determine why he’s surfacing after I’ve just let him go…
The only man who has loved me the way that I want to be loved shows up in my dreams the night that I’m supposed to go watch movies with the man that I want to love me that way.
I’ve said all along that I know what I want, and I’ve said all along that James isn’t ready to give it to me. Now he’s resurfacing and my hopes of him becoming that man are too. I ran away from the fear that he’ll disappoint me by avoiding our ‘date’. And my brain surrendered to all of those feelings last night, by reintroducing me to what I really want…not Ed, but a man like Ed (or at least, a man who will treat me the way he did).
I’m doing my best not to dwell on any of this. After school gets out for holiday break (Wednesday is our last day), I’m going into full-time ‘go-getter Fina’ mode.
If I can fly to another city to see what is going to happen between another man and I, I can certainly spend an evening with him over the next two weeks to see if anything has changed. My days of playing this ‘what if’ game are dwindling. At some point, I have to get the fuck over myself. Otherwise, I will become what I fear the most…a person so jaded, so hurt, so ruined by fear that they’ll never get out of their own way to find happiness.
If it hasn’t changed, I can certainly move forward. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. And this time, I mean business.
If it has…Hallelujah.