43. Connectedness

The struggle to remain connected to my personal life has finally reached a climax. My professional life has taken center stage; nursing teenagers back to life is more than a full-time job. Through all of this, I’ve seen my connectedness to my blog (which is, essentially, the core of my personal life) begin to disintegrate.

During the week, I check on these kids between teaching my classes. I make sure they are at school, evaluate their clothing (is it clean, are they wearing the same clothes as yesterday?), and make sure they have money in their lunch accounts. After the 8th hour bell, I have 45 minute therapy sessions. One after the next, my kids come to my classroom to tell me about the horrors of the night before. And then, I leave to make phone calls about food stamps, or to find a shower for their use, or to buy them Christmas presents.

The craziest part? This doesn’t stop after they graduate. One of my first-year students is pregnant. And, previous to finding out she was pregnant, she was partaking in heavy extracurricular activities. So when she found out she had been doing some damage for at least the first three months of her unborn baby’s life, she pretty much hit her lowest point.

I haven’t been able to find her, because her phone has been shut off for a while now…but I know where she works. Four nights this week I’ve made a trip out to the gas station to see if she was working…it’s 35 miles away.

Tonight was the first time I’ve seen her since September.

She looks healthy and clean. When I walked in, she ran around the counter and embraced me, thrilled to see a face that loved her. She’s having a boy. Her pants won’t button anymore. She’s using a rubber-band to keep them around her expanding waist. She’s happy.

I’m going to continue stopping in to see her. The best part? Administration can’t yell at me for it. She graduated. And when she was filling out senior superlatives, she said the biggest influence on her life at school was me… Suck on that pedophile-teachers and disconnected administration.

And through all of this, I’ve realized something that scares the fuck out of me…I don’t give a shit about dating right now.

It’s insignificant.

The one person that I’d genuinely like to date isn’t interested in dating. And, truth be told, I don’t have the energy to put into beginning a new process with a new guy who doesn’t have a clue how I tick.

I’m a tough girl to handle. I know what I want, I know what I like, and my nonnegotiables are set. If you can’t take that, find the exit and quit wasting my time. It’s unfair of me to put someone in that position at the moment.

I have bigger problems to solve than whether or not I want to go on date #2 with Aqua Di Gio guy.

But what is haunting is how quickly I’ve gotten to this point and how comfortable I am here.

Am I only feeling this way because I’m scared to find real love?

Will I ever get to a point where I want to share my time with someone else…rephrase…someone else that wants to share their time with me?

Is there a single man in the world strong enough to handle the fact that my job is such a huge part of my life?

I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know if these questions are valid. One second I’m saying that I’m happy being single and the next I’m concerned that I’m only telling myself I’m happy.

Welcome to the mind of a 20-something workaholic female with grandiose dreams about how love should be given and received.

I’m not necessarily receiving much love right now, but I’m giving enough for a small army (or a small town, rural high school). I’m just going to have to be okay with that… and until I find that connectedness again, I’ll continue forward with what I’m doing now.


4 thoughts on “43. Connectedness

  1. I love reading your blog. While my field of work is in no way comparable to yours, I find it quite comforting to know there is another person out there who works just as hard as I do, and pretty much sacrifices everything personal to achieve those goals.

    I do wonder if that lack of personal fulfillment is being masked by work, almost to a dormant detriment to be revealed later. I suppose we shall only be able to find out in time.

  2. I’m so sorry your in this tough spot. No one should be forced to question if they are doing the right thing when reaching out to another person. I pray you will find your balance and you can maintain the life you want while still having the career you want. There is balance to everything in life.

    Remind me to tell you the story sometime about how I reached out to a homeless teenager around the same time as different needy family… it didn’t go as I had hoped.

    Thinking of you love.

    I ♥ Aqua Di Gio *rawr*

  3. The good you’re doing with these kids can’t be explained by my words. When I look back a few years I can pinpoint the very teacher who was responsible for helping me away from an unreturnable path. If it wasn’t for her going out of her way for me, like you are doing now then I don’t know where I’d be, it sure as hell wouldn’t be half way through med school… It scares me to think where I could have ended up if it wasn’t for her.

    Maybe its a good thing that the idea of dating seems insignificant to you right now. Maybe the love and affection you’re giving out at this moment speaks volumes louder than what you could allow yourself to give out to any man that would be in your life right now.

    I’m a strong believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you’re here focusing on these kids for a reason. Sometimes we find ourselves in other people. Keep doing what you’re doing and I have faith that you will find exactly what you’re looking for.

    Much love ❤

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