36. St. Sarafina (Part I)

Justice and Topher got a school bus to transport 30 of their closest friends to Fast Eddie’s for Justice’s 25th birthday (young whore).

While I consider most of this group mutual friends, some of the attendees and I have a history that makes our attendance a bit awkward for the other. Specifically, Ed acts like a little bitch whenever I’m around. Especially when his girlfriend Kacey is around. I’m lucky if I’m acknowledged and, even when I am, it’s a head-down I’m-scared-to-piss-either-of-you-off ‘hello’ followed by a speedy exit and zero communication for the rest of the evening.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much.  I understand his hesitancy when Kacey is around. It’s an awkward situation for all three of us. I’m the ex-girlfriend who he first told he loved, who he first took to meet his family for Thanksgiving. I’m the girl he nursed back to health when her whole world was crumbling around them. Who he first made love to. I’m the girl that he still talked to for several years after breaking up and, even though he wouldn’t admit it then, he still cared for very much.


I remember when he told me about Kacey. They worked together. He told me he liked her and that he didn’t have the balls to ask her out. I guess I didn’t think he’d actually do it, but I encouraged him to step outside of his comfort zone. In doing so, I lost Ed to a girl who he’s now been dating for 2 years.

Even though we broke up almost 6 years ago, he was still mine for 3ish years after we ended our romantic relationship. So for 6 years he was mine…and then I ‘let go’ because I ‘moved on’ with David. Which, looking back, is total bullshit. I never moved on. I still yearned for our relationship to be fixed…and on some levels I still think I have some small hope that we could fix things that lives in my heart.  I know it won’t happen, so it’s fine. But there is a spark there…that refuses to be put out… And then I had to really let go when he actually moved forward, grabbed life by the balls, and asked Kacey to be his girlfriend.

So that’s my dilemma, that’s what I deal with every time he’s around…my problem. I think, on some levels, I still want to claim him as my own even though I’m really, TRULY, undeniably happy for him. Ed deserves to be happy. He wasn’t happy with me. He’s happy with Kacey.

I let it go and try to move forward because, well, that’s what I should do.


So here we are on this party bus, getting ready to endure seven hours together, the two of them…and me. Alone. Single. Lonely.Seven hours pass. Not a word was spoken between us.

I had to walk past Kacey once. Her legs were in the center aisle (didn’t she ever listen to the bus driver? Keep your body out of the aisle, idiot). Instead of waiting for her to move, I politely stepped over her legs. She said, “Oh sorry,” and I replied, “Don’t worry about it.” So intense…like a double rainbow.

After 7 hours on the bus, most of the 30 participants decided it was time to go home. I, however, was ready to hit up the bars. It had been a long day, I was pissed that he hadn’t even said hello, and that I had to feel awkward while I was out celebrating one of my best friend’s birthdays. That’s when shit starts getting weird. I called Marissa and Bella while I was outside. I needed to vent my frustration. In doing so, I got a second wind.

We started taking Wild Turkey shots. Justice, who was also ready to go out, puked in the sink. She’s out. Laura, who was also quite intoxicated, fell asleep while we waited for everyone to get ready. Another one bites the dust. And one-by-one the rest of the group dwindled down and only three of us remained: Ed, Kacey, and me.


The bars were only a few blocks away, so there was no need for a cab. Kacey and I (who had never talked before this moment) decided that we’d walk to the bar. She was wearing three-inch heels. I honestly thought about letting her walk to the bars in those shoes, as she said she would be fine…but then I thought about the fact that this girl had nothing to do with my problem…it wasn’t her fault, and her feet shouldn’t have to suffer because of my unresolved feelings..so I grabbed my gray suede boots (they were in my car) and I gave them to her.

And then, Kacey and I…just the two of us…started our journey together.


One thought on “36. St. Sarafina (Part I)

  1. Pingback: It Ends Tonight. « Future For Fina

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