Lately, the sounds of loneliness echo through my house.
It’s been a journey. I’m stronger, I’m emotionally available again, I’m open, and I’m sure as hell waiting.
It’s an interesting juxtaposition of emotions.
On one hand, I’m so proud of the lessons I’ve learned and the woman I’ve become. I really do like ‘me’.
On the other, I feel myself falling backward into a twin-size bed of self loathing. How have I allowed myself to go so long without realizing that I’ve perpetually created failing relationships?
The wort on my button nose? It’s been 6 years since I’ve been in a healthy, satisfying relationship. Realization is, in this case, a nasty antagonist.
I’ve been having dreams about my only successful adult relationship. Some dreams sexual, some refreshing (I’ve been able to see the strong me for hours at a time), and others, well, they can only be categorized as night terrors.
The night terrors relate to the downfall of my relationship. How ugly and blemished such a beautiful thing can become. Reliving the moments where I felt uncertainty, out of control, and depressed hasn’t been the highlight of my recent dream pattern. Yet, going to sleep I don’t hope for the ‘good’ dreams either.
I want them all to stop.
No need to reopen old wounds. Unnecessarily analyzing events that unfolded won’t change them. Confusion ensues.
My gut is in knots. Why am I feeling this way now? After all these years away? Am I lonely? Did I never fully recover? Is this a sign of how this year will end?
I promised myself that 2010 would be a year of reinvention. It has been. My footing is stronger. My path is clear. Don’t fuck this up for me, subconscious.
And my biggest fear in writing this? Knowing that some of my readers love when I’m the strong, powerful Fina. The force to be reckoned with. Sorry love bugs, the hand I’ve been dealt isn’t following that pattern tonight. And if it isn’t purged, I won’t move forward. Honesty sucks sometimes.
I haven’t been that strong girl over the past few weeks. She’s on vacation until I can wrap my brain around the overwhelming feelings that have taken over my nights. Remembering Ed. Remembering happy Fina. Remembering what life should be like when you’re committed.
After I’ve filled my daily obligations, and the house is quiet, I hear the echo of my happiness from the other room. The furnace kicking on, the buzz of the refrigerator, Huckleberry’s faint whimper as he falls asleep…and, all of a sudden, I think about how nice it would be to have someone here with me. To warm my side of the bed before I lay down, dreaming of him and not a ghost of my past, and then waking up realizing that he’s not a figment of my imagination.