I Want to Live Too.


We celebrated Scarlet’s birthday over the weekend. If there is one place in Missouri that makes me thankful to be here, it’s the winery (in the Fall). The trees’ cornucopia of colors, the faint scent of winter approaching…the cute, albeit unnecessary, accessories attached to my wardrobe…all combined with a little Vignoles and I’m a happy girl.

While we were there, we ran into Ed’s best friend and his wife. I love them. While I was truly excited to see them and share a few laughs about life, it was a bit difficult. In a way, I’m very proud of where I am…but sometimes doubt creeps into my mind far more than I’d like to allow. Our conversation can only go so far when I have very little to contribute that they don’t already know. I’m teaching again. I’m loving life. Oh…yes…I’m still single. Yes, I swear I’m happy. So after about 10 minutes, the awkward silence creeps into our atmosphere and brings the joy of reuniting to a screeching halt. While they have no clue that their presence caused this, I started to  feel uncertainty in my ability to contribute quality conversation points. Which, in turn, ignites sparks of self-doubt. Am I living the life that I want to live?

Truth be told, I’ve always dreamed of being a wife and a mother. The problem with this? I’m not even dating anyone right now. I’ve hit my mark with every other goal in my life. My career is fantastic, my writing is being read (and getting better), and I’m taking care of myself in ways that most people don’t. This, however, isn’t enough for me.

A dear friend of mine mentioned that she broke up with a boy today. My heart goes out to her.  I told her that she’s a survivor…and that I knew she’d be fine. Her response to my remark lit a fire in my belly, and I’m beginning to realize that I’ve been telling myself I’m happy when, in actuality, I’m forcing myself to believe I am, when I know that I could be happier. That’s why I adore this friendship.

The catalyst? “But I really don’t want to be strong anymore. I’m tired of just surviving. I want to live.”

Me too, Becky. Me too.

While I couldn’t put words on it last night, I was feeling this exact thing too. With a few too many insecurities and a few drinks, I decided to try to ‘live’ last night.

I text Michael.

****

He’s coming in town for the holiday season.

I’ve been thinking about him lately. Maybe because my recent dates and/or potential partners have been lacking in some area that he’s not. The biggest? Their interest in me.

When I spoke of him before, I mentioned that he’d waited quite a long time to pour his heart out to me (both times). I also said that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him…and I wasn’t quite sure why I was reluctant, except for the fact that James was tap-dancing on my heart.

Well, James is no longer allowed to perform choreography on vital organs. Others are restricted from such games too. And while this is a bit of a premature declaration, I’m not one to hold anything back.

If Michael is still willing to try, I’m ready to  give him a chance. I’m willing to open my heart again…to REAL possibilities. That might mean it’s Michael…and that might mean it’s someone else.

Why?

Because, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been lying to myself for a while now. I’ve convinced myself that I was completely satisfied with being single. And I’ve also said that when love is supposed to happen, it’ll happen. Unfortunately, when you lock yourself up like a bomb shelter, it’s impossible for love to ‘just happen’. Hi, my name is Fina and I’ve provided myself with one hell of a chastity belt.

We talked a little bit last night (we’ve talking on-and-off again for the last year). He doesn’t know that I’m interested in seeing if something could happen between us. I’m totally okay with that.

Step one? Keep open the lines of communication. Find the damn key to my heart. Unlock it. Immediately.

Step two? Live.

Step three? See how opening my heart and living life changes my perspective.

While nothing may happen between Michael and I, my friends’ remark made my throw off the blinders today.

I’ve been single for a year and a half. I don’t think I’ve really allowed myself to explore opportunities during that time.

James was safe…because I knew (even when I ignored it) that he was unavailable. The last guy was safe…because I knew (even when I ignored it) that he’d probably bail on me too.

I haven’t been open to the possibility of succeeding, because success is scarier than failure right now. Success means that my goals could be reached…and then what would I live for?

Fear isn’t holding me back any longer.

Enter a new, intense soul-searching chapter of my story.

My future? A brave one.

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9 thoughts on “I Want to Live Too.

  1. This post hurt when reading. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep after going out to dinner with friends. I put on a brave face, make jokes and act like I have a great life with so much going on. The reality is that the truth is almost too painful to deal with. You have so much going for you….if it is not Micheal it will be someone very special. I have no doubt.

  2. Always a brave one, because you are one of the bravest people I know. Even when your heart breaks you find your mending points immediately. Amazed always by your strength and ability to dig deep and find understanding. Your future is bright and the funny thing is, it always has been… because you are. You are like sunshine, and here today, brighter than yesterday. It is not always about the future for Fina, it is also about where you have come and loving who you are today. I am so proud of your today and in love with who you are at this very exact moment. ♥

  3. A year and a half is not long to be single, (at least not for me at my age). Being single is not always great and being in a relationship is not always great. I believe people are more happy single but society makes movies of “perfect” love with the happy endings which makes everyone want a relationship like a teenage girl wants Justin Bieber. Happy endings are not reality because at the end death will separate a couple if not divorce.

    so forget a happy ending cause there is no such thing, you can merely love each other and pray about the bad times until that day comes.

    • I’m not looking for a fairy tale, sir. If that were the case, my blog wouldn’t be as honest as it is. Romanticism is great, but not as important as realism.

      My heart hasn’t been open in 1.5 years. It’s not a long time to be single, but if you’re ready to give love, it can seem quite longer than you’d think.

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