Day 10 – Adieux Ed


Ed was eager to please me and, even though I’d only been with one other person (my 6-year beau), he was still less experienced than me. That’s right, Ed was a virgin when we met.

Now, if you’re an uber-Christian (or one of my parents), walk away from this post immediately. Otherwise (for those who I just forewarned) be prepared to be appalled.

Ladies, if you’ve never had the opportunity to take a man’s virginity, let me tell you all about it.

1) The first time sucks. Seriously, I don’t think he ever made it inside me.

2) After that, the quest to be a ‘good’ lover was encouraging.

3) Eventually, I trained him to do what I liked…every time.

Oh hey, multiple orgasms. He was like my personal sex-god.

So, while I’m not promoting you go find a virgin to have a one night stand. If you do come across one that you want to date, jump on the chance. Enjoy the ride.

Since Ed was new to sex, he wanted me all the time and, since I provided the guidance on how to be a great lover, I was smiling every day until mid-October…a year after we met.

****

Two weeks shy of our one-year anniversary, shit hit the proverbial fan.

My life was literally thrown into immediate disarray (between Bella’s accident and Granny’s cancer). I was only 19, and unfortunately, unaware of how to communicate my stress/unhappiness/sadness. It took about a year for things to calm down. EASILY one of the hardest years of my life.

As I said in the last post, he was there for me for every step along the way. For that, I still feel somewhat indebted to him. Had he not been around, I’m not sure I would have stayed enrolled in school and/or kept my sanity.

As Bella’s accident became less of an issue (she was released from the hospital and could get around in a wheelchair), and Granny was released from  her battle with cancer, Ed started to become more and more distant.

He had only turned 21 a month before my life exploded. What 21-year-old guy wants to spend his first legal year nursing his underage girlfriend back to life?

So, after turning 22 and realizing he’d been selfless for an entire year, I’m sure it was an easy decision to be selfish for the next year.

The last year of our relationship looked like this:

Ed resenting me -> Ed trying to pretend he didn’t resent me -> Ed making excuses for wanting to spend less time with me -> Ed graduating from school and forgetting about his 3 year relationship…while he girlfriend was 300 miles away -> Ed insulting me because of built up resentment -> dissolved relationship.

We broke up the night before I started my senior year of college, only one month away from our 3rd anniversary.

For a very, very long time I didn’t know why our relationship ended. It was tough, because he didn’t feel he could talk to me about his feelings…because my last year was so upsetting…and he didn’t want to contribute to my pain. So, instead of telling me he had concerns and/or needed more attention, he pushed me out of his life. Which, of course, caused more pain.

****

I was devastated. I needed closure. I needed Ed to tell me what I did to cause this. Of course, he had no answers for me. He just wanted a clean break. For the first time in two years, he got what he wanted.

While I casually dated for the next year, it took David waltzing into my life for me to want a relationship again. And, even then, when things got shitty I yearned for closure from Ed.

We talked one night (after drinking) at Topher and Justice’s house. He spilled to me that he resented the amount of attention he gave me without reciprocation. I can’t blame him for that. And, with that conversation, most of my love for him died.

The way I see it? Life is going to get hard. It’s going to get really, really nasty sometimes. If you can’t stick through it with someone who you claim to love, you probably don’t deserve to be with them in the first place.

While I learned many lessons on how a woman should be treated in a relationship from Ed, I also learned that a partnership can’t succeed if one party is less invested. Ed didn’t want to go the distance; I did. Ed didn’t want to make it work; I did. I tried to fix it; he didn’t. It was time to separate. We did.

****

The last two days of the 30 Days of Truth experiment were related in that they required me to discuss a person who I lost touch with and wish I hadn’t…and a person who I need to let go.

I think Ed fits both of those.

See, for so long I wanted to make up my ‘mistakes’ by proving to him that I’d changed. I was so thankful to him for being there for me, that I wanted to return the favor. I wore myself out and beat myself up by trying to prove something to him that he wasn’t ready to see.

I had to let go of that, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see myself as a person that deserves happiness. And I have.

Ed is now dating a girl that he’s been with for almost two years. They live together. Topher and Justice are still great friends with them. And, as far as I know, they’re great together. That makes me happy.

People come in and out of our lives at times when we need them the most. I think Ed was supposed to be there for me while I was struggling. Now that I’m not, I think we’re both where we are supposed to be. Regardless of location, what that really means is that we aren’t meant to be together.

I’m so glad I know that now.


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8 thoughts on “Day 10 – Adieux Ed

  1. This is so insightful. There’s alot of pain you went through. And alot of learning. That’s where I’m at. I tend to be a taker..making the man give and give and give. I would love to get total closure with my ex-husband and find out the lesson about why he was in my life. What was I supposed to learn, too.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. Fina, I’m going through your 30 Day experiment from Day 1. I am so in awe of your raw honesty, and your ability to look at your situations objectively. You are only a few years older than I, but I look up to you in so many ways. I admire your ability to forgive both yourself and the people who have wronged you. You’ve gone through a lot of crap, and are the epitome of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” You are a strong, strong woman, and I applaud you for that. Young girls can learn a whole lot from not only your past and your relationships, but from the way you have handled them, learned from them, and still manage to see the good in life.

    • The good in life is ALL that we need to survive any of the things I’ve discussed.

      A kiss on the forehead, a warm embrace, a good glass of wine with friends who make your laughter uncontrollable…all of those things make up for the pain/suffering I’ve felt. Truth be told, it’s far easier to look at those events and hate them…to become defensive, closed-off, and rude…but I’d already felt enough pain to know that something had to give. Otherwise, I was going to stay where I was and probably die there.

      Thank you for the kind words, Kim.

      I hope that some day I’ll be able to reach one person’s heart enough to make them question their decisions/motives. And, once they’re happy with their final decision, walk proudly knowing that there is always tomorrow to fix today’s mistakes. Live life. It’s totally worth it.

      xoxo!

  3. This. This is easily one of the best, most insightful, and self-aware posts I’ve read here (and anywhere, really) so far. I’ve been reading from the start all night, and I’ve really wanted to comment several times, but I decided to save it until the last post because I just really wanted to know whathappenednext and delayed gratification sucks in the wee hours of the night (diff time zone here).

    But as soon as I read this, I just had to stop and say:

    “You go, girl. Cheers for growing up.”

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