I’m flashing forward; I will continue retelling my story soon…
Today, ladies and gentlemen, has been quite an emotional day for me. Of course, if you’ve picked up on any of my personality quirks, you’ll understand that I’m at my most introspective at times like this. A few things happened over the weekend that led to this point. One of those? An overwhelming hollowness of heart…screaming at me to notice it before it surfaced too much.
While I’ve been involved in romantic episodes over the last year, I haven’t been in a serious relationship. It’s a sad moment when you realize that an unrequited love is the closest thing to a ‘real’ relationship you’ve had. So, with that said, my heart has been a little lonely.
Fortunately some things were resurrected during that time, that kept me busy enough to ignore said emptiness. Tonight, however, my mind is engrossed in thoughts of partnership. I fucked myself Saturday when I got all ‘good teacher’ and planned the next two weeks of lessons in advance.
I really considered not writing a post tonight. I’m not sure my mind is in the right place to continue my story. So, instead, I’ve decided to lay some things out there, that probably wouldn’t have been told until later (had I continued writing about my past exploits).
One of the problems with writing my story is that there isn’t an ending in sight. Most writers would tell you that you have to know an ending before ever beginning your story. Otherwise, you get lost along the way. I think this is true of my love life right now. I don’t see an ending…a goal…a stream of light to walk toward.
I think it’s time to find the light, friends. If it isn’t presenting itself to me, I’m going to go ahead and create it.
Here are my ideas, feel free to leave me a comment.
The question: How do I keep my blog juicy when I’m not living the same life I was when this story started?
1 – Begin a “Julie & Julia”-esque documentary of my current dating adventures. Commit to going on “x” number of dates every month. Blog said dates. I’m thinking a date a week would be sufficient.
The problem? I really don’t want to join a dating website, I live in Podunk hillbilly Missouri so eligible bachelors aren’t presenting themselves daily, and I’m hesitant to commit my time to doing this, when I hardly have enough time to breath as it is.
2 – Introduce some former players who’ve shaped me into the woman I’ve become. There is one in particular that I’d like to discuss. My college boyfriend. Why? He showed me what I deserve and helped me determine my non-negotiables.
The problem? That’s one or two posts to buy myself some time, but eventually I’ll end up back at this point…with the same problem.
3 – Take the scariest path by telling James I’ve been writing this blog, asking him to read it, and then requesting he tell his side of the story (this is already in the works with David…look for those posts soon).
The problem? Abso-freaking-lutely terrified that this will end in some really terrible, completely harsh words. Although I don’t love the way he treated me, I still value our already semi-broken friendship. If I tell him about this now, he might have an issue with my already 30-post-deep blog being viewed by 300+ people every day, without his knowledge. I didn’t ask for his permission…if we aren’t together, why the hell should I need it?
I’m thinking option one is going to be the best fit, but again, I have some fears about committing to indulging in so many dates. However, on my drive home today, I contemplated what a profile might look like. Here’s what I’ve come up with (you’ll totally love it):
There is something to be said for the type of person who can laugh when things don’t go their way.
I won’t pretend to be perfect: my feet are too big for my 5’3” frame, I like profanities (although I’m not crude, rude, or socially unacceptable), and my smile is insincere when I’m talking to someone who is full of excuses.
I spent a year writing books for clients and know that there isn’t much I can say here that hasn’t already been seen on another profile. Because of this, I prefer to keep this brief:
I like laughing. My genetic predisposition is to love the Cardinals and scream at the television when I can’t be at the game. I don’t think it’s a sin to love beer. I do, however, believe it’s a sin to be a girl and not dress like one occasionally.
My ideal match? Understands that life is far too short to be serious all of the time. They are ambitious, intelligent, and humorous. They want more out of life and push themselves to get where they want to be.
I need a man who wants to be a ‘man’ in a relationship. If you’re going to tell me you love me after a week, please move on to the next candidate. I refuse to be caged and believe that space and time apart make a relationship grow. However, I realize that if we like each other enough, I probably won’t believe spending time with you is imprisonment.
If you’re still reading, I probably like you already.
My heart is already free of anxiety after purging this. It’s a process that I’m not real familiar with. Sure, it’s easy to open up and talk about your past, but when you get to the future…my future…the Future4Fina…it’s a bit intimidating. Hopes, dreams, fears, and past failures are all swimming around in my over-active brain.
Give me some feedback (and that means all of you…yes, you too).
If you have another fun idea, I’m game. Down to clown, baby. Down to clown.