13. Fear

It took me several days of introspection to decide that my mother reading about my sex life wasn’t scary enough to quit writing. So, with that said, I’m back to late night postings about the life that I’m living.

There are several people who I know who are reading this that probably cringe at my lifestyle. To those people, to those who might not agree with my decisions, please understand that I love and respect you. I hope you can, at the very least, say the same of me.


Thankfully, my phone rang very soon after James flew home.

Our conversations were generally about current happenings in our lives. Daily laughs were shared.  And, as things progressed beautifully between us, James actually invited me to visit him at his new place.

Half-jokingly, I mentioned the invitation to Ellen. She was thrilled to hear this news. So thrilled in fact, that she shared the gossip with our other best friend. Megan (the other friend) called me immediately.

First, she wanted me to replay the conversation that led to my invitation. Second, she giggled like a school girl. Third, and very unexpectedly, she offered me a free ticket to board a plane and visit him.

Megan is a flight attendant for a large airline. Many of our friends asked her for tickets regularly. I never ask(ed) for tickets. I always felt that it was a bit presumptuous. After all, those were her tickets. If she wanted to share, she would offer. As luck would have it, she wanted to share her tickets with me.

When I told James that Megan was willing to provide me with a ticket to come see him, his happiness was evident. Within hours, he’d already posted a ‘thank you’ and a ‘get her ass on the plane, even if you have to kidnap her’ on Megan’s Facebook wall. His excitement was soothing. For a boy to ask me to fly up to see him, and then thank the girl who made it happen…well, those were all very positive signs.


Two days before I was scheduled to leave, Ellen asked me to join her and her mom for a trip to David’s Bridal. Ellen was recently engaged and because this engagement would lead to her second marriage, she wanted to look at the sale racks and see if she could find a dress that wasn’t too costly. I decided to meet Ellen and her mom at home for dinner before venturing out to David’s Bridal, even though (as luck would have it) I was coming down with a bit of a sinus infection.

When I arrived, however, I realized that we were not  going to be eating dinner alone.

James’ mom was there. In. the. house. In the house, standing in front of me…unexpectedly.

Would you like to know how uncomfortable that made me? If I had the choice between licking white dog shit on the ground (like in the movie ‘Stepbrothers’) or walking two more steps into that house, I probably would have licked the shit.

James’ mom was eager to ask me questions about her son. Some FB wall posts were made that would make anyone suspicious of our relationship.

Was there a budding romance? Why was everyone eager to make jokes that related to James and myself? Did I know the most recent place he was interviewing for a job? Were we hanging out a lot when he was in town?

Ellen knew that I was very apprehensive of letting anyone know of our current situation. She also knew that I hated lying to those that I love. The devilish look on her face through the entire interview was enough to make me a little clammy. I’m typically very calm in those situations. I’ve always been very confident, very outspoken, and very much envied by my friends who hate that I can excel under pressure. However, in this case, I felt it best to lie straight to the face of a woman whom I considered a third mother. I was nauseated and uncomfortable…but I made it through.

Ellen’s mom asked James’ mother if she wanted to join us after dinner but she declined. So, after dinner, we said our goodbyes and headed to the bridal shop.

Ellen didn’t find many dresses she liked. The trip was pain/pointless. At least it gave me an exit to the trial…

On the way home, however, I was almost caught (for the first time) in a lie associated with James.

Ellen’s mom asked me what I was doing that weekend. I quickly told her that I was headed to another city, the opposite direction of the one where James was living, to see some college friends. Easy enough. Until I started playing ‘what ifs’ in my over-analytical brain.

Finally, after a twenty-minute ride back to their house, I was ready to get in my car and get away from the danger that was having to answer questions. I was totally consumed by my own thoughts. I hardly paid attention to anything that was going on in the car on the way home. After unbuckling my seat belt, I thanked Ellen’s mom for dinner and quickly exited the vehicle.

She, rather innocently, said, “Hey Fina, have a really great time this weekend.” There was an emphasis put on the ‘really’ that I still can’t describe. It was suspicious.

With a tinge of confusion I turned back toward the car and stared at her. I knew she knew. She had to know. Shit. She knew. Finally and awkwardly, I  replied, “Thanks. I will.”

On my way back to the car it hit me. I f Ellen was so eager to share the news with Megan, had she also told her mother? Worse than that, if Ellen’s mom knew, did James’ mom know too?


2 thoughts on “13. Fear

  1. How could Jame’s Mom not know? What was she doing there in the first place? It was a sting! It was a set up and you tried to deny it the entire time!

    IDK, I’m thinking of taking back that remark about how “bold” I think you are. A “bold” person stands up no matter what, even when faced with the most awkward of situations. Honesty above all else, be true to yourself. That is a creed of the bold person. Oh Fina, I am not pleased with your choice of action…

    Justin Kunst

    • His mom doesn’t know because she’s not around often enough.

      She was there because she’s a family friend (that’s how I know James).

      I might not have taken the route you’d choose, but my decision is one that I was happy with at the time. If she were to ask now, I certainly wouldn’t lie. I just wanted to see where it was headed before anything was announced. Now, I’m really happy that’s what I did.

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